♪ CHELSEA JANE: "Heavy"
Rarr!
- Hot! Oi! - Sorry, love.
- What? - It's 1:30, lockout laws.
Lockout laws? I was just here!
I just walked past you
and went, "I'll be back in a second."
I've lost my phone, AJ, and he's trying to kick me out.
Did you go to TAFE for this? What is it?
Cert IV in Being a Dickhead?
Oi, bro, let's help out a white person for once.
- Let her in. - AJ, I can't come back in.
We just went to his dad's wedding, we're celebrating.
Do you hate love, too? Do you hate love?
Oh, my... OK, I'm gonna go.
AJ, I'll just be out here dying.
I hope you can still scan your fucking IDs
with my blood on your hands.
Look at that.
That's not gonna last long on the streets.
The mean streets of Sydney.
You are killing Sydney.
OK. Bye!
- Coming! - Miss you!
Dickhead.
- Hello. - Hi!
Alright, let's...
AJ: Oi!
- Oh... - Are you fucking serious?
He was here, I was sad.
(EXHALES)
You guys wanna go do some coke?
- Yes. - Fuck, yeah.
OK, let's go.
(GASPS)
AJ, look, look!
My hand keeps looking for my phone, like...
It's like a phantom limb.
(SIGHS) Rest in peace, iPhone 5s.
You've got so many pictures of my tits.
My condolences.
I don't know, I'm trying to think of the positives.
Like, Marcus and I exchanged written numbers
before I left this morning.
How femo is that?
Just, like, I've got his number
and I left him sleeping in my bed.
Eat shit, Beyonce.
Stevie, is it time for Judge Judy yet?
STEVIE: Oh, shivers, Jill, yes, it is!
Ow!
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Can I get a popper and some milk arrowroot bickies, please?
No, it's not a day spa.
Please! It's my one day off shooting!
I just basically pumped intravenous Gatorade
into your veins.
Chill!
Chocolate for breakfast, hm? (chuckles)
Call me, Jill!
Hold up.
STEVIE: Pretty good deal, hey?
(WHISTLES TUNE)
Hey, yo!
I got fat and salt! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
(SIGHS)
I am so glad that I did not kick on last night.
It's taking me forever
to finish these projections for Brussels.
Did you know that your fingers can slur when you type?
Oh, baby, I'm sorry, I've had all my nutrients replaced,
- I feel great. - Fuck you.
Oh, my God, yes, this is making me feel so much better.
- That's fucking hot. - Really?
- Oh... - This? Is this...
Oh, shit!
Some of this?
(AJ EXHALES)
- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
Oh... Ooh!
- OK. - Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah.
I have wanted to do this
since watching you and Winnie sing Time After Time.
Yeah. Ooh.
Fuck... Wait, are we gonna....
Are we about to have chicken sex?
Yeah.
Well...
Mm!
Hey um...
(CLEARS THROAT) ..when are you gonna unpack all your stuff?
What?
All your stuff, when are you gonna unpack? It's been months.
- I don't know, soon. - OK, OK. Yeah, fair enough.
- (GROANS) - How's that?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes!
- Are you uh... - No.
No?
Fuck! (GROANS)
I don't know why this keeps happening.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not beat yourself up.
You bought me fried chicken, and that is worth ten orgasms.
You should come to set one day, we're filming all this week.
It's our last week.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.
Turren?
(DOOR OPENS)
Ah, Charlie, AJ. I um...
..didn't wanna interrupt
whatever was or wasn't happening in here,
- so I... - What is that?
Oh, this? This is the Internet bill for the month.
You er...
You've gone over your personal data allowance.
Yeah, I need to make those calls for my work.
Oh, totally, but I've had to change the Wi-Fi password.
But don't worry, you can join us on the next billing cycle.
What is that smell?
Is that fried chicken in the room?
Oh, AJ, actually, I'm glad I caught you, as well.
We've noticed that you've used quite a few of the resources,
- like water and electricity. - Oh, yeah?
So, I have made up a little bill for you downstairs,
if you'd like...
I literally can't do anything without Internet.
You could always stay at Dad and Winnie's place?
I mean, we've got a pool and more Internet data than God.
I hate him.
I actually hate him.
Why would you even go to the real pyramids?
Some alien shit, eh, pyramids?
- Look at them! - Is this yours?
Huh?
Um... No.
Must be old mate's, who you fucked last night.
Ah! Well played, Marcus!
Well played!
I mean, leave your watch here on purpose,
give me a reason to call you. I mean...
- I doubt it. - That is nice!
That feels expeno.
That'd be worth 3k on the street.
I reckon he's... you know, he's done that on purpose,
give me, like, a little calling card, bit of a first move.
Oh, fuck.
Must they smoke meats day in, day out?
I can't fucking concentrate on anything
when my mouth is watering.
I am salivating constantly.
What are they cooking? Is that...
Is that more picanha?
(SIZZLING) - Or is that some...
- (SNIFFS) Is that alcatra? - I don't know.
Mate, that is some fucking deep cover.
Imagine all them agents at cop school
learning how to use weapons and get Nazi tattoos and shit
to go deep undercover,
these cunts are learning how to play bongos
on five different time signatures
and cook the perfect cut of maminha.
Um...
Racist. They're not bongos, they're atabaques.
Also, Dezzy, mate, you've gotta chill.
They're not cops!
Stevie, they are cops, and they've invaded my home.
But they will not invade my mind.
Because my brain is an impenetrable fortress.
(SALSA MUSIC)
- G'day, boys! - (ALL CHEER)
- What's cooking? Smells good. MAN: Barbecue!
DEZZY: Oh, yeah, a bit of barbecue?
DEZZY: There you go, get a beer into you.
(RINGING TONE)
WOMAN, ON PHONE:Hello?
Oh, hi. Uh...
I was just looking for Marcus, but I must've...
- That fucking little prick! - ..dialled the wrong number.
Again! He's done it again!
He always gives out this number!
What?!
I'm normally the person who gives out the wrong digits!
Fucker!
Only 60,000 miles on her.
(CHUCKLES)
I only used her to go to the shops.
Or get, you know, a fish and chips
when the kids were back in town.
Now, they're putting me in the home!
Say I'm losing my faculties! (SCOFFS)
Well, I mean, the home's not... It's not that bad.
There's lots of great company all day, every day.
And really good access to pills.
Well, I suppose if you work there, Rebecca,
it can't be all that bad.
Yeah.
Um... My name's Stevie.
- Stevie. - Stevie.
Who's Rebecca?
- You are, aren't you? - No, I'm Stevie.
- Stevie. - But you called me Rebecca.
- Who's Rebecca? - I don't know.
- OK. - I said, "Stevie."
Alright.
Would you like to take her for a run, Stevie?
Oh, yeah, I really...
I'd love to, Ron, it's just I've only got my Ls,
so I'd need a friend to come with me.
- I'm really... - Well, look...
I'm window shopping.
I've had a licence since it was just a bit of paper
with your address on it.
- Wow, that's a long time! - Yeah.
- It's up to you. - You wanna go for a drive?
- Let's go! - Yeah!
- OK. - Oh!
OK, Ron, you can't leave the key in the ignition like this.
Oh, no, have I?
Yeah, someone will steal that.
It's been in there for years.
MAN: Gemma Hoffs to set for rehearsal.
Right, so, what I'm thinking, Gemma,
- is you'll start on top. - Uh-huh.
And... And from here, you'll both kiss passionately.
(SIGHS) Is he gonna do those annoying
little peck-peck kisses he does?
- What? GEMMA: No offence,
but is that how you really kiss?
I always feel like a seagull reaching for a chip
trying to kiss you back.
DIRECTOR: Is it worth practising this?
- I can clear the set. BOTH: No.
It's fine.
Right, so, from here, I want you to flip
- so that he's on top. - OK.
DIRECTOR: So, let's step that through.
No, just put your...
- Yeah, is your leg OK? - Put your legs between mine.
Yeah. No, the other side.
No, in the middle.
Yeah, that's usually how it works.
So, here's where the "just a dip" coitus will happen,
and I think three clear thrusts.
Great! Now, this is where Vivian's gonna suggest a condom
and then we'll just let the scene play out from there.
So, are you guys feeling comfortable with that blocking?
BOTH: Yes. - Does everyone feel safe?
- Yeah. - Let's get this over with.
- (GROANS) Ow! - Sorry.
You look hot!
Gorgeous.
You good there? You just having a little creep?
No, I'm just making sure everything's kosher.
You know, we have gone the whole production
without any #MeToo slip-ups?
So, I'm not about to let that change
on the last day of production.
God help me if there's any slip-ups
at the wrap party tonight.
God help me. (SIGHS)
AJ, we don't have any cock socks er... modesty covers
in your skin tone,
so would you prefer the tan or the beige?
Well, I'll just...
Can you guys...
Good, darling.
- Yeah? - Good!
Now, keep those revs
between two and three on the dial there.
Mm-hm. OK.
Say, that's a great watch you've got there!
I had one just like it.
- Did you? - Yeah.
My late wife, Lynn, bought it for me as a retirement present.
- Lynn! Good on ya! - Lost it, though.
Lynn weren't too happy.
It's actually an ex-lover's. Marcus.
But he's off the... off the roster now.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I think she feels like a Bethany.
Don't you? Bethany!
- Bethany? Lovely! - Lovely?
Love it! Yeah.
I'm thinking of taking old Beth on a trip
to The Big Bilby in Bundoona.
(RON CHUCKLES)
They're actually closing it down in a month,
which is crazy!
That's a national bloody disgrace!
I know!
Doesn't this country take pride in our big things anymore?
Bloody oath, Ron! Bloody oath!
The Big Merino, The Big Banana, The Big erm...
Oh, what's the other one? It was a...
- Prawn. - A prawn, yes!
My children saw all of them, you know, every one of them
over the years.
Your kids sound really lucky, Ron.
I think they just wish that their dotty old dad
would pull himself together.
I'm not sure what they think about... about me.
I don't think you're dotty, Ron.
I think that you're... really wonderful,
and I would be...
I'd be happy any day to be bothered by you, or...
Oh! I love you!
I love you, girl. I love you.
Thanks, Ron.
I tell you what, why don't we do a deal?
Your watch for my car.
- (CHUCKLES) - Eh?
- Really? - (CHUCKLES)
- You're very happy about that! - I bloody am, Ron!
OK, everyone, we've got a lot to shoot now.
And it's a closed set, so if you're not meant to be here,
can you step out, please?
DIRECTOR: OK, final checks, and then shoot.
No fucking seagull pecks!
MAN: And turnover.
MAN 2: Sound speed!
Am I tucked in?
WOMAN: 12, take 12. WOMAN 2: Mark it.
WOMAN 2: Camera set. - And action.
(GEMMA MOANS)
- (GEMMA GRUNTS) Oh, yeah! - It's pretty hot.
Don't stop.
(MOANS)
Oh. Oh.
I'm in the middle of acting here!
MAN: Keep rolling. DIRECTOR: Is everything OK?
- I'll just reset that one, AJ. - No! No.
- (ALL SIGH) - Jesus.
- I did not need to see that. - I'm sorry.
Alright, let's let the boner settle.
I'm sorry. Everyone, I'm really sorry.
This doesn't usually happen.
If we strap it down with some gaffer tape, it's not gonna...
Charlie?
Charlie, hold on! No, Charlie...
AJ, who's Ch... Who's Charlie?
Hey, Charlie!
Charlie!
Hey!
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
What are you doing here?
You said I was welcome to set any time.
Obviously I chose the wrong day.
Why didn't you tell me you had a sex scene?
We never talk about the show.
Yeah, well, we should've talked about that!
You know, just like a, "Hey, heads up.
"I'm simulating sex with another woman
"and I might get it up for her."
Look, it's fine. I was just in shock, that's all.
I'm sorry.
I-I should've told you, and-and also, I um...
I didn't plan on that whole...
I know. I know.
I'm gonna go, OK?
Save you the embarrassment of standing outside,
- cupping your dick and balls. - Yeah.
Are you gonna come to the wrap party tonight?
Yes, I will be there.
Try not to get it up for anyone else in the meantime.
I honestly could not be any softer right now.
- Good luck! - Do I kiss like a seagull?
MIRANDA: Come on, AJ!
Come on, you're doing a great job. You've got this.
- Ah, thank you. MAN: Come on, come through.
Ron, your watch.
The car will be here tomorrow.
- Great. - (CHUCKLES)
It was so nice to meet you.
Ah.
- I'll miss you. - I'll miss you, too.
Do you need me to re-park this? It's on the wonk a little bit.
- No, it's good. - You got it?
- Yeah. - Thanks, Ron.
- Bye! - I got a car!
MIRANDA: OK!
To responsibly celebrating the wrap of Cuck
without getting handsy or racist or overly emotional.
But, to be honest, thank you so much for your hard work.
- You're the best. Namaste. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, Stevie, Stevie! - What?
Those drinks are for the crew, go easy!
The crew?!
I listened to your shit for years!
That qualifies me as a fucking creative consultant.
I think I'm the crew, mate.
- Cheers. - Cheers!
- You totally made a TV show! - Yes.
Wow! And I've got a car. I'm getting a car tomorrow.
- Gotta help me pick that up. (PHONE BEEPS)
Oh, shit!
Shit!
I have to Skype with Brussels.
- What? Now? - Oh... Yes!
It's been in the works for weeks
and I cannot fob them off. I'm sorry.
Oi, oi, oi, AJ, is that me? Is that chick me?
That's Maggie, who plays a character
that's loosely based on a lot of friends....
- But mostly me. - ..in my life.
She's like me, but heaps hotter. I'm not even offended.
- Can you introduce me, please? - Hey, hey, hey.
Do you really have to go right now?
Yes. Look, I'll see you back at your dad's place, alright?
Get really, really pissed
and cremate every braincell, OK?
- I'm sorry. - Alright.
Alright. Bye.
Come on, Stevie, let me go introduce you to you.
It's like a mirror!
Hey, Maggie, this is Stevie.
MAGGIE: Hello. - Stevie, be normal.
I'm normal!
It is an absolute honour.
I'm you. I was the inspiration for your character.
- Oh! - She's so pretty!
Alright, can I please get some shots?
(CHEERING)
The good champagne is in the back fridge. Shh!
OK, we're being kicked out. Need to find a kick-on venue.
Daddy Mack's!
ALL: Daddy Mack's! Daddy Mack's! Daddy Mack's!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Hey!
Ooh! You doing that sweet newsreader Skype thing,
where you're all business on top and sexy on bo?
As I said, your cap-and-trade schemes
sound right up my alley.
WOMAN, ON LAPTOP:You're an excellent candidate, Charlotte,
and we think you'd be a huge asset
to the team here in Brussels.
We've got a few more people to interview,
but we'll be in touch.
- Merci, Charlotte. Au revoir. - Great.
I look forward to hearing back. Thanks.
Bye.
Hey, what are you doing back so early?
- Bags, bags, bags. - Sorry. Shh!
W-we got kicked out, so...
There's just a few of us.
(DOOR OPENS) WOMAN: Guys, in there.
- Sorry. - Yeah, it's all good.
It's all good. Yeah.
So, hold up, hold up.
Was that a job interview for Brussels?
Yeah. You know, it never hurts to interview.
Listen, I've got heaps more work to do,
so I think I'm gonna head to, like, a...
..24-hour McDonald's or something.
Just a, "I might be moving to Brussels," and you're off?
- It was an interview. - (CHUCKLES)
This is why you haven't unpacked!
'Cause you can just take off at any moment.
AJ, you are high
and you are blowing this out of proportion.
Don't make this a thing before it's a thing!
You are so easy-going about everything!
This is why, 'cause you've got one foot out the door.
I got a boner with Gemma Hoffs
and you're weirdly understanding about it.
I made a show about my ex-girlfriend,
and you don't even care.
Be honest.
Have you already checked out?
I can take it. I can ta...
Charlie, seriously, just tell me.
AJ...
..I don't know what to say to you.
It's like you look for drama.
I will see you tomorrow, OK?
See... No, no, no, no, even that was way too reassuring!
At least slam the door or something!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
(DOOR SLAMS)
There we go.
You're hot, get in.
So, I'm just, like, a huge fan of your work.
And I know you know. I know you know!
Like, I know you know that!
So, I've got this friend,
she's a makeup artist for all the contestants on The Voice
and she has literally told me
that I'm as good as them, if not better.
You... always look really good.
Just in like... Just, like...
- You know... - Good.
- Pro. - Competent, professional.
Yeah.
I'm probably going to join a dance troupe next year.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Everyone, this is Stevie.
We should hang out more.
Thank you for bringing the fucking pizzas.
You got them all good ones, man!
No pepperoni on that shit! Thank you!
ALL: Miranda! Miranda! Miranda! Miranda!
I didn't make this TV show about me, for me.
You know? I was there the whole time, when it all happened.
Oh... Oh!
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - It's fine.
Thank you.
I appreciate you a lot.
Even when no-one else does.
- Aw. - I don't thank you enough.
- I don't. - Thank you.
I think you are...
Honestly, I think you're incredible.
(PHONE RINGS)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Brian.
Uh... What?
You're kidding me? When?
No. No, this is...
This is the first I'm hearing of it.
Oh, Jesus! I need this like a second arsehole.
I know. It's a saying, Brian. I don't need it, at all.
Um... Yeah, great.
Thanks for letting me know.
That was the network's lawyer.
Your ex-girlfriend is suing us.
What?
Oh, no!
I thought she wasn't gonna proceed.
What, you knew about this?
N-no.
Yeah.
Sort of.
She served me papers a little while back.
I just...
She backed off.
She doesn't have a case,
if everything in the show is true, right?
Uh...
If she can point to potentially defamatory material,
she does have a real shot at an injunction against our release.
And we have billboards going out nationwide this week, AJ.
I, like... needed to know this.
I-I tried to move the show away from her character.
Oh, my God, we are fucked.
(LAUGHS) Like, we are totally fucked!
STEVIE: Time to go and get Bethany!
Whoa!
(STEVIE CHUCKLES)
Is this a bad time?
(SIGHS)
Let's just go get your car.
- AJ, did you have s... - Please.
Don't ask me, Stevie.
Hi, Ron!
I-I-I'll get the order form.
STEVIE: No, no, no. It's me, Stevie.
I was here yesterday.
OK, no, sorry, it's me, Rebecca.
Yeah...
OK, no? I was here yesterday about the car.
- The car? - Yeah.
Oh, big Maori bloke bought that this morning.
Ha!
No, I bought it yesterday.
RON: Huh?
We drove around, I told you about The Big Bilby,
I gave you that watch that you're wearing.
That was... I g... We did a swap!
My late wife gave me this watch
as an anniversary present.
No, it was a retirement present, and you lost it.
That's mine. I mean, it's Marcus's.
I gave you that watch!
You sold me the car. Please remember, Ron!
I'll-I'll just go and get the order form.
AJ: Stevie. - What?
We've gotta go.
He doesn't remember.
RON: I-I want the chicken.
I-I like that.
The Oriental rice, however,
well, it made me, you know, feel a bit gassy.
OK.
- I'll get you the chicken. - Oh!
Hey.
You been giving out my fax number, Stevana?
Yeah. I...
Oh...
Only 'cause my phone...
- (GASPS) - What the fuck, man?
You've compromised my whole network!
The car's gone, Dezzy!
He sold my Bethany!
And the Sydney wanker faxed me about his watch?
You should've seen this old man.
No-one gives a shit about him!
He's just sitting there, like,
ordering chicken from strangers.
Shit. Oh, shit.
I just... I'm really...
I saw myself driving that car to Bundoona...
..with the van and...
Now, it just all feels like...
..totally out of reach.
I j...
I don't even know why I'm bothering.
What kind of sicko am I, anyway,
for wanting to go somewhere
that my dad didn't even think that I was worth taking?
And also, fuck him. Fuck him for being dead and...
..and stirring up all this shit in me
with that stupid fucking caravan
and not even being around for me to yell at him!
What?!
Oh, yeah, righto. See you.
(KEYS JINGLE)
You can use my wheels till you get yours sorted out.
I've been trying to minimise my carbon footprint, anyway.
You know what, there's this little nugget
who owes me for 50 pingers,
and I'm supposed to bash him, but he's got a scooter,
so I might just take that and...
..maybe I can get a Deliveroo helmet,
one of those hot-boxes on the back
and try and fly under the radar as a Deliveroo guy for a bit.
That's such a good idea.
Yeah, I thought...
Those guys make five bucks a delivery,
I make a cool hundred on a bag of nose beers.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I shouted at you.
It's all right.
I thought it was only fair that I repay the favour.
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
- Mm-hm. - Jesus Christ!
- You are too much. - Oh, I know.
Seriously?
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the interview.
I didn't wanna ruin your party
arguing over whether I was moving to Brussels or not.
Yeah...
Are you?
This is what I do, AJ.
I move around a lot.
I like change.
Look, you just finished your first TV show.
You could write scripts from anywhere around the world.
I'm not saying that we should both go to Brussels,
I'm just saying that maybe it's time to get out, for you.
Oh, my God!
- Mm-hm. The best. - Oh, thank you!
(CHUCKLES)
I don't deserve you.
Probably not.
Now, go on, be free!
No!
- Break away! - How am I supposed to open...
- Spread your wings! - (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Ah...